本课目标

学完本课，你能够：

• 选择合适时间发起严肃但非紧急的谈话；
• 用 I feel … when … 连接感受和可观察事件；
• 说明自己需要什么，而不是要求对方猜；
• 区分“具体行为”和“对人格的标签”；
• 将谈话收束为双方都能执行的改变。

沟通边界

本课适用于日常、低风险的关系沟通，不处理威胁、暴力、控制或其他需要专业支持的情况。I feel 不能把指责包装成感受；例如 I feel that you're selfish 仍是在评价对方。

场景词汇

• shared calendar 共享日历
• confirm a plan 确认安排
• left out 被排除在外的
• overwhelmed 难以应付的
• check first 先确认
• quiet time 安静休息时间
• change a plan 改变安排
• workable 可执行的

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A weekend plan was confirmed too early

Maya speaks with Ben after dinner, when neither of them is rushing.

Part A — Event, feeling and need

Maya: Can we talk about Saturday for a minute?

Ben: Sure. Is this about the sleepover?

Maya: Yes. I feel left out when a family plan is confirmed before we discuss it. I heard about this one after you had already told our daughter it was happening.

Ben: I checked the shared calendar and didn't see anything there, so I thought Saturday was free.

Maya: What happened was that I hadn't added my morning training session yet. I know the calendar wasn't complete, but I still need us to check with each other before we confirm an overnight plan.

Part B — A specific change

Ben: I understand. Are you asking me not to make plans with her friends?

Maya: No. I'm not asking you to stop making plans. What would help is a quick message before either of us says yes.

Ben: That sounds workable. I also need us to add work commitments as soon as we know about them.

Maya: Fair. I'll add the training tonight. Could we move the sleepover to Sunday?

Ben: Yes. I'll check with the other parent before I confirm it.

Maya: Thank you. So the change is: update the calendar, send a message, then confirm.

Ben changes the plan to Sunday after receiving agreement from the other parent. Maya adds her training session, and the shared calendar is current.

Check the story

1. When do Maya and Ben talk?
2. Why does Maya feel left out?
3. What information was missing from the calendar?
4. What does Maya need before an overnight plan is confirmed?
5. What does Ben need Maya to do?
6. What three-step change do they agree on?

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A. Event, feeling, need, request

Part	Maya's message
Event	The plan was confirmed before they discussed it.
Feeling	She felt left out.
Need	They need to check with each other first.
Request	Move the sleepover and use a three-step process next time.

遮住对话，用四栏复述。不要增加 Ben never listens 等材料没有支持的概括。

B. Observable or label?

1. You confirmed the plan before we talked. (observable event)
2. You are inconsiderate. (label)
3. The calendar didn't show my training. (observable event)
4. You don't care about my time. (claim about intention)

将第2、4句改成可观察事件、个人感受或具体需要。

C. One need can allow several solutions

Maya需要“确认前互相核对”。解决办法可以是消息、电话或当面确认；她没有规定只能使用一种沟通工具。

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本课负荷说明

本课有6项全新主动表达：第1—6项。第7—10项帮助倾听、澄清和确认改变。

1. Can we talk?

我们能谈谈吗？适合发起非紧急但需要专注的谈话。最好补充主题和大致时长。

2. I feel … when …

当……发生时，我感到……。when 后接可观察事件，而不是人格标签。

3. What happened was …

事情是这样的……。用于说明具体经过，不等于证明自己的解释是唯一解释。

4. I need us to …

我需要我们……。说明希望双方共同采取的行动。

5. I'm not asking you to …

我不是要求你……。用于澄清边界，防止对方把请求理解得过宽。

6. What would help is …

真正有帮助的是……。提出具体、可执行的改变。

7. Are you asking me to …?

你的意思是要我……吗？把自己的理解说出来，请对方确认。

8. I also need …

我也需要……。双方都可以说明需要，不是只有发起谈话的人有需求。

9. That sounds workable.

听起来可行。表示接受继续执行，不是敷衍结束。

10. So the change is …

所以我们要改变的是……。把谈话转成明确行为。

Don't Say It That Way

容易说出的句子	更可处理的表达	原因
I feel that you don't care.	I feel left out when plans are confirmed before we talk.	感受后接具体事件
You always decide everything.	This plan was confirmed before we discussed it.	不用一次事件概括“永远”
You should know what I need.	I need us to check with each other first.	需要说清楚
Don't make any plans.	I'm not asking you to stop. What would help is a quick message first.	收窄请求并给替代

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1. 感受＋事件

I feel left out when plans are confirmed before we talk.

感受词可以是：worried / frustrated / overwhelmed / relieved / included。

2. need + 名词／need + 人 + to do

I need more notice.
I need us to check the calendar first.

3. when描述反复触发情境

I feel overwhelmed when several plans change at once.

4. 事实和解释分开

Fact: You confirmed the plan yesterday.
Interpretation: I thought my time wasn't being considered.

快速练习

1. I feel __________ when the deadline changes without a message. (frustrate)
2. I need us __________ check before we confirm. (to)
3. What happened __________ the calendar wasn't updated.
4. I'm not asking you __________ cancel everything.
5. What would help __________ a message before noon.

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本课网页已配有完整对话、逐句播放和影子跟读。重点听Maya如何把事件、感受和具体需要分开表达，并与Ben共同形成可执行的改变。

Can we TALK / about SATURDAY?
I feel LEFT OUT / when a plan is confirmed / before we discuss it.
What would HELP / is a quick message first.

录音

用稳定音量读“主题—事件—感受—需要—请求”。回听时检查是否错误重读 you，使句子听起来像在审判对方。

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A. 理解检查

1. Maya starts the conversation while Ben is rushing out.
2. Ben checked an incomplete shared calendar.
3. Maya asks Ben never to make plans again.
4. Ben asks Maya to add work commitments earlier.
5. The sleepover remains on Saturday.
6. They agree on a three-step process.

B. 事件还是标签

将下列内容标为 event / feeling / need / label：

1. The meeting started before I received the link.
2. I felt excluded.
3. I need the link ten minutes before the meeting.
4. You're careless.

C. 修复I feel句

1. I feel that you are rude.
2. I feel you never listen.
3. I feel bad when things happen.

分别改成“具体事件＋真实感受＋需要或请求”。

D. 未知回应

伙伴A说明一个低风险关系问题；伙伴B随机回应：asks for an example / explains missing information / offers a different solution。A要澄清而不重复指责，双方最终确认一个具体改变。

E. Lesson 28间隔检索（一）

1. Before ending a volunteer discussion, suggest reviewing the decisions one more time.
2. Introduce the decisions the group has actually made.
3. Ask who owns the task of contacting the venue.

F. 实用写作

写70—90词消息，请对方安排一次10分钟谈话。包含主题、可观察事件、感受、需要和一个可讨论的请求；不要在消息里先判定对方动机。

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现实任务

从“临时改变安排、共享空间、回复太晚、任务边界”中选一个低风险场景。你和伙伴在90—150秒内完成发起、说明、澄清、回应和具体改变。

独立录音

只看 topic / event / feeling / need / request / change 六个提示词，录75—105秒。至少自然使用本课6项新表达中的5项。

三天后的复习

更换事件和回应后重新完成。如果句子仍以 You always / You never / You are 为中心，重做第3、4、7部分。

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为每项选择：能做到／还不稳定／需要重学。

• 我能选择合适时间并说明谈话主题。
• 我能把可观察事件、感受和需要分开。
• 我不会用 I feel that you are … 包装人格评价。
• 我能说明自己没有要求什么，收窄请求范围。
• 我能听取对方需要并接受不同解决办法。
• 我能把谈话收束为一个具体改变。

如果有两项以上选择“需要重学”，重做第3、5、7部分。